The First Spark

I started out like a large percent of our population. Raised as a "good" christian. Taught that the Bible is the word of God filled with events that happened without a doubt. I was being watched, evaluated, and protected by my higher Father. I was following the only true faith and it was just a matter of time before the Earth would be cleansed of the non-believers. Growing up, I believed this wholeheartedly. It was my life, it was exciting. I had the truth, and because of this I would survive the end of the world and live in a paradise forever. That was wonderful until I got older and realized that large amounts of my family and friends were not believers in my faith. Based off what I believed in, people I loved and cared about immensely were not going to make it! This was my first moment of doubt, and along with it came the guilt.

At this point in my life I was still quite young, and the very thought of doubting something so powerful was terrifying. I was torn between what I had known as truth my entire life and these crazy new ideas filled with question and doubt. The cleansing of the Earth and prospective paradise was not looking exciting any longer, the way things were going not only were my friends and family not going to be making it but neither was I! I became a nervous wreck. Thunderstorms frightened me. It was no longer sounds of nature I heard, it was sounds of the end of the world and an angry God. I just knew I was going to pay for my lapse in faith, and the guilt I had became overwhelming. I thought of how my Mother had fervently taught me and how disappointed and hurt she would be. This crushed me and crippled me with guilt and anxiety.

I went on this way for years, denying that there was anything wrong and burying my true feelings. I attempted to just go back to the way things were before, when I still believed with all my heart, but I couldn't.

 It was as if that first spark of uncertainty, that first question of truth was the opening of a new door for me. A new door that I did not know existed. As with most new things there was fear. Fear of the possibility that I opened the wrong door, fear of the unknown, and fear of getting lost and never finding my way back. It was around this time that I realized this was going to be a journey for me. A journey that I had been waiting to travel on since I was a child and that first feeling of doubt crept into my heart. I tried to no longer to look at my questioning and uncertainty as negative, but as legitimate feelings that not only deserved to be felt but also had to be.

There was no turning back, I tried, and found my former beliefs, ideas, and ultimately my former life had in a way disintegrated. There was no back, only forward. I was on a journey to enlightenment, whatever that is.

Walk with me, but trust me it's no walk in the park!